This Is Why.
The feeling that nothing is changing comes back – until you look back and see how far you've already walked.
There's a stretch on every inner path where nothing seems to move. You practice, you search, you show up – and the days answer with silence. Bella knows that stretch from the inside; in her first years it came often, loud enough to make her doubt her own mind.
What she holds against it isn't a pep talk. It's evidence: look back, and the distance already walked becomes visible – the changed reactions, the changed depth. When Fear Returns says the same about the old weight that shows up as if nothing had changed: returning doesn't erase the path. You trace it back, you see what's real, and you keep walking.
Almost five years in, she still gets the “all for nothing” days. This post is what she does with them.
🌸 Thinking out loud.
Sometimes you get tired.
It hurts. It's hard. You want to drop it all – the practice, the searching, the way.
It feels like you’re struggling in a void, that there's no response, that nothing is changing.
I know this well. In the first years of spiritual work it was often like that.
Sometimes it felt like I was losing my mind. That it was all for nothing. That it was too much. That enough was enough.
But then…
You suddenly see the fruits.
You look back – and realize how far you’ve already come.
How your life, your inner state, your reactions, your depth have changed.
And that moment… when you see: “So this is why.”
It's more than a victory. It's – a personal success.
Mine.
Even now, almost 5 years in, the feeling that it's all for nothing still washes over me sometimes. But I remember who I was, and who I've become. And everything falls into place. I keep walking.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan