The Controller Leaves.
A stranger's hug at a McDonald's table opens everything at once – mortality, acceptance, and an inner controller resigning in real time.
This one is filed from the middle, not from afterwards. A McDonald's dinner, a worker stepping outside to hug her crying daughter at one of the tables – and Bella is suddenly in tears herself, with everything surfacing at once: the helplessness of being mortal in a world you can't control, the grief that her daughter could one day be without her, and – in the same wave – how much she loves who she has become.
The line that names the shift is small and enormous: my inner controller decided to leave. What replaces it isn't chaos; it's permission – emotions spoken instead of stored, tears allowed, anger said out loud, nothing held in the body anymore. Fear and Control maps exactly this trade: the controller's job was always protection, and what it protected against was feeling. She's watching it resign in real time.
She doesn't tie the post off with a lesson – the ride is still going, and she says she'll keep untangling out loud. That honesty about the middle is the gift.
Let's be honest.
I keep writing about changes in the past, about various light practices. Today I'll share what's happening in the "now".
Today we decided to have dinner at McDonald's. We're sitting there, my husband, our daughter and I – everything's fine. Suddenly I see a McDonald's worker come outside, walk over to a table and hug a little girl. Her husband was sitting there with their son and daughter. She hugged her so tenderly, wiped her tears – and I started crying. And how it poured out of me 🙈
I understood that I'm in some kind of rethinking of everything right now. There was a feeling as if I'd understood how helpless I am in this world, and my inner controller decided to leave; I felt sad that I could die at any moment and my Sara would be left without a mum. Acceptance of my body and of myself set in. I was bursting with how great I am. How many friends I have – loyal, real ones – how I bring people together, what a big heart I have. A desire appeared to hug our planet, to become one whole. Acceptance of my emotions – I no longer hold them in my body. Yes, I'm emotional, sentimental, I can cry from being touched. I speak up when I'm angry, when I'm sad, and I don't want to hold anything in my body.
By the way – however much people dislike her, Buzova is actually a perfect example in this respect. She doesn't hold her emotions: wants to cry – cries, wants to laugh – laughs. And she can joke about herself. Not everyone can do that, but it's a very important skill – for your body first of all. Many illnesses, as we know, come from the head 😢.
And this whole ride I experienced at its peak today, though it started yesterday. For now I'll keep digging in my emotions, analyzing, and sharing how I look for answers and untangle my ball of emotions.
Good night, everyone 🩷
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan