His Toy.
A six-year-old says no to the baby reaching for his swim ring – and Bella, instead of scolding him, hears a boundary.
A visit to family. A six-year-old who has been sharing all afternoon: toys handed over, a cardboard house built for the baby. Then her daughter reaches for his swim ring and he says no. Everyone who grew up with "don't be greedy, share" knows the reflex that comes next: the sigh, the nudge, the little lecture. Bella skips it. It's his thing, and he has the right to show where his line is.
Her test is the car. A stranger wants to "play" with your car, you say no, and your mother calls you greedy and tells you to hand over the keys. Nobody would accept that – yet we teach children to give away everything they have. A Place to Go calls such rules limitation: fences we did not build, absorbed so long ago we forgot they were not our own – and judgment, the habit of labeling that keeps everyone in a small box, a boy with a swim ring included. Bella steps over both in one afternoon, with a smile and no drama.
And she takes something home: she will respect her daughter's boundaries the same way and not force her to share. A no that is allowed to exist at six is much easier to say later.
Give me back my toy!
Not long ago we were visiting my husband's sister. She has a six-year-old son. He's a very kind boy: he played with Sara, gave her toys, built her a house out of cardboard, and so on. But in the moment when she wanted to touch his inflatable swim ring, he said: "No." Sara, at her age, doesn't really understand the word "no" yet, so I simply took her aside. And here you could think: what a greedy kid, can't he let an eight-month-old girl touch a toy? But no. I took it with a smile and complete calm. Yes, he's only six. But it's his thing, and he has every right to show us his boundaries.
And how often in childhood did we hear that you have to share, that being greedy is bad, and so on.
But let's imagine a situation: another man walks up to your car and wants to "play" with it. You say: "No, that's my car, you can't." And then your mother or your wife says to you: "What, are you greedy or something? Give the man your car." Would you like that? I don't think so. So why do we teach children to give away everything they have? To share when they don't feel like it? We don't do that ourselves.
That's why I took the boy's request calmly, and noted for myself that in the future I'll respect Sara's boundaries in the same way and won't force her to share everything.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan