The Shadow.
Books irritate, series bore, the body is stone – and around you, everyone else’s life seems to be in full swing.
This post has no lesson at the end, and that's why it belongs here. Bella lost her job the moment she learned she was pregnant – on paper, a gift of free time; in practice, a slow slide into emptiness. Chores on autopilot, books irritating, everyone else’s life seemingly in full swing while hers stands still. Her word for it is exact: a shadow.
She doesn't diagnose it – hormones, depression, or simply a season, she honestly doesn't know. What she does is rarer: she describes it truthfully and keeps two sentences within reach – I believe I'll get through, and everything passes. The Creative Process says where such stretches belong: the fog and the empty days are not gaps in the process. They are the process. Something is ripening in them, invisibly.
If you've ever stood in that fog, this post will feel like company. That's all it promises – and it's a lot.
🌸 The shadow
Sometimes life leads us into situations where everything seems mistimed. You think: if only this had happened a little earlier or a little later – it would have been easier, clearer, more right.
I lost my job at exactly the moment I learned I was pregnant.
And on one hand – that's good, isn't it? I can fully live this period, feel the changes, listen to my body, sleep as much as I want. And above all – no stress from work.
But on the other – I've worked all my life. Almost without breaks. Only the pandemic and rare stretches of illness ever stopped me.
And now it's as if I'm on maternity leave, but the “mom duties” haven't started yet.
So here I am – home alone. No work, no tasks, no company.
At first it was fine – the nausea and sleepiness kept me busy. Then it was even good – cooking, cleaning, reading, watching something light.
And then – emptiness.
All the chores on autopilot. Books irritate me. Series have gone stale.
It seems everyone else’s life is in full swing, while you’re frozen in place. You are – a shadow.
Interest in everything disappears. No wish for friends, no wish to go outside. The body is stone, eyes full of tears, inside – apathy and silence.
As if the fire has gone out.
As if you’re the shadow of someone who’s lost herself somewhere.
And beside me – a loving husband, care, support… And joy – none.
I don't know how to find the way out.
Maybe it's hormones. Maybe depression.
Maybe it's simply a season like this.
But right now – it’s hard. So hard.
I believe I'll get through. Everything passes.
But right now… I am – in the shadow.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan