A Strange Envy.
Sometimes envy isn't about what others have – it's about how unfamiliar it still feels to simply be.
Envy has a bad reputation, so most of us look away the moment we catch it in ourselves. Bella didn't. She had consciously chosen a quiet season – her first pregnancy, no forced job hunt – and then she opened LinkedIn: everyone announcing something, starting something, moving. And something stung.
What she finds under the sting isn't really about work. It's the pull to prove you're in motion – to be like everyone – even after you've already chosen otherwise. Coming Alive says the same thing from the other side: stay in your own lane, come home to yourself. You don't live to prove that you are enough. You already are.
Bella writes this from the middle of learning it, not from the far shore. That's exactly what makes it worth reading.
🌿 Envy
Today I noticed a strange form of envy in myself.
No anger, no bile, no dark energy.
It harmed no one – but to me it became unpleasant.
And I decided to figure out what this feeling was.
Right now I have consciously chosen:
to devote myself to the pregnancy.
If freelance work or a job comes along that truly resonates – gladly.
But tearing myself apart just to find anything at all – that I've forbidden myself.
This is my first pregnancy.
I want to live it. To feel it.
Even my husband said: “Exhale already.”
But then I open LinkedIn to write a post – and see the feed: “Found a job,” “Joined a new company,” “Started a new project.”
And something inside stung.
How come? They found one. And I – didn't?
For a second I wanted to –
go looking for anything at all, just to say: “I'm working!”
To prove I'm like everyone else.
That I'm moving. In process. Not falling behind.
But… I gave myself permission not to hurry.
So where does it come from, this wish to be “like everyone” again?
Why does envy creep up even toward people who aren't rivals – who are just… living?
Maybe it isn't about the work at all.
Maybe it's that simply being is still unfamiliar to me.
No status, no usefulness, no achievements.
And I'm learning:
not to compare,
not to chase,
to treat my path gently – even if right now it is a path about quiet.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan