The Right to Want.
She catches herself forbidding not just dreams but wants – then writes them down and watches them turn realistic on paper.
The discovery under the noise is precise: she wasn't just forbidding herself to dream – she was forbidding herself to want. Bella catches the ban in the act and does the least mystical thing possible: she sits down and writes, honestly, everything she would want from herself, from life, from everything around. It's the hardest thing she's done in years – the shame of wanting is that strong – and then the words pour out.
What the paper does is the whole point: written down, the dreams stop being frightening and start looking realistic. The Manifest guide is built on the same first move – an intention only becomes workable once it's named – and walks the same road she walked alone: name what you want, meet what blocks it, speak it out loud. She ends knowing her direction and says it without embarrassment: she wants to be a mentor, a healer – to help the way she has been helped.
Her invitation is careful in exactly the right way: try it, but not necessarily her way. Do it in whatever way feels right to you.
For the past month my thoughts have been flying around me like a swarm of bees. And every day, little by little, I try to pick them out one at a time. I've already understood who I want to be when I grow up – I've even taken the first steps toward it. But the noise didn't stop. And then I realized: I'm not just forbidding myself to dream – I'm not even letting myself want anything. How much further can it go?
To be honest, I really didn't like that, and I decided to do some work "on myself".
I went to our spiritual space and sat down to write. I understood that I had to write down, honestly, everything I would want from myself, from life, and from everything around me. I'll say it honestly: it was the hardest thing I've done in years. I felt so ashamed and awkward, as if I had no right to my own wants. But I gathered myself, sat down… and the words poured out. And when I finished and looked at the pages, I laughed. Is that all? I thought. On paper these dreams didn't look so frightening – in fact, they looked quite realistic. I understood that I have the strength, the desire and the energy to bring all of it into reality.
Afterwards I took the wooden chimes, and to their sound I spoke aloud everything I had written. By the way, at first that's awkward too, but then I let go of all the prohibitions and spoke my wishes with confidence. I shouted a little, let all the energy out, even stomped my feet. And at the end I felt so light and, at the same time, so full. And I understood what I want and where to go from here.
And I can say it boldly and without embarrassment: I want to be a mentor, a healer. I want to help the way I have been helped and still am. To give this world everything I can.
Try this practice – and you don't have to do it the way I did. You can do it in whatever way feels right to you. And maybe you'll find the answer to your question.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan