The Right to Want.
She catches herself forbidding not just dreams but wants – then writes them down and watches them turn realistic on paper.
The discovery under the noise is precise: she wasn't just forbidding herself to dream – she was forbidding herself to want. Bella catches the ban in the act and does the least mystical thing possible: she sits down and writes, honestly, everything she would want from herself, from life, from everything around. It's the hardest thing she's done in years – the shame of wanting is that strong – and then the words pour out.
What the paper does is the whole point: written down, the dreams stop being frightening and start looking realistic. The Manifest guide is built on the same first move – an intention only becomes workable once it's named – and walks the same road she walked alone: name what you want, meet what blocks it, speak it out loud. She ends knowing her direction and says it without embarrassment: she wants to be a mentor, a healer – to help the way she has been helped.
Her invitation is careful in exactly the right way: try it, but not necessarily her way. Do it the way you feel.
This past month a swarm of bees made of my thoughts has been flying around me. And every day, little by little, I try to pick them out one at a time. I've already understood who I want to be when I grow up – I've even taken the first steps toward it. But the noise didn't stop. And in the moment I understood: I forbid myself not just to dream anymore, but to want. How much further can it go?
To be honest, I really didn't like that, and I decided to do some work "on myself".
I went to our spiritual space and sat down to write. I understood that I had to write down, honestly, everything I would want from myself, from life, and from everything around me. I'll say it honestly: it was the hardest thing I've done in years. I felt so ashamed and awkward, as if I had no right to my own wants. But I gathered myself, sat down… and the words poured out. And when I finished and looked at the pages, I laughed. Is that all? I thought. On paper these dreams looked not so frightening at all – actually quite realistic. I understood that I have the strength, the desire and the energy to bring all of it into reality.
Afterwards I took the wooden chimes, and to their sound I spoke aloud everything I had written. By the way, at first that's awkward too, but then I let go of all the prohibitions and spoke my wishes with confidence. I shouted a little, let all the energy out, even stomped my feet. And at the end I felt so light and, at the same time, so full. And I understood what I want and where to move now.
And I can say it boldly and without embarrassment: I want to be a mentor, a healer. I want to help the way I have been helped and still am. To give this world everything I can.
Try this practice – and you don't have to do it the way I did. You can do it the way you feel. And maybe you'll find the answer to your question.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan