As It Should Be.
For years she raged at the world for what it took – until she saw where the chain had been leading.
Nine years ago the panic attacks began – calling her mom ten times a day just to survive, a hospital, the numb half-life after it, years of asking the world: why me? Why can everyone else go to the movies and travel while I stand in the shadow?
Then the chain becomes visible, link by link: pandemic, an empty office, a computer game started out of sheer boredom – and through the game, her husband. Her verdict is Amor Fati word for word, and she earns it the hard way: if living through all of it again were the price for this person, this happiness – yes, I agree. Nothing happens for no reason; the hard stretches teach, transform, direct.
Not a philosophy borrowed from the Stoics – a receipt from her own life. That's why it convinces.
🌸 Everything is as it should be.
About 9 years ago I started having severe panic attacks. I was literally losing my mind: at work I'd call my mom 10 times a day, step out into the corridor just to survive. The way home was torture. Then came an unsuccessful psychologist – and it only got worse. I was already looking for a hypnotist when, by a lucky accident, someone recommended a psychiatrist.
I was hospitalized, then became a “little bush” – that's when you seem to live but don't live. And gradually I began to come back. Five years later I realized I was still on medication, life was still hemmed in, and I finally went to therapy – the very therapy I should have started right after the hospital.
Then the pandemic struck. I commuted to work, sat alone in the office for 8 hours and… out of boredom started playing CS. Just to keep from going crazy.
And back then, for years, I railed at this world. Why is all this happening to me? Why can't I simply go to the movies, walk with my girlfriends, take a trip? Why does everyone around me live, while I stand as if in the shadow?
It was especially hard because I'm a very alive person. I always need people, movement, impressions. And here – loneliness. Fear. Silence.
But now I understand:
it was exactly because of the pandemic and that strange office job that I started playing.
And because of the game – I met my husband.
And if I had to live through it all again for this – yes, I agree. For such a person. For such happiness.
Nothing happens just like that.
Hardships teach us, transform us, direct us.
Sometimes we don't understand why this is happening now,
but a little later it becomes clear – everything is as it should be. Every hard situation, even one that seems to have no way out, leads us toward something better.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan