Tools and Instructions.
A childhood test, a football field entered without a ticket, and the sentence that dropped the weight – this is mine.
This continues the grotto post, and it reads like a life re-inventoried: a childhood career test that said journalist or actress (her mother laughed), then – years later – a media football club, interviews filmed for fun, a final entered without a ticket all the way to the FIELD, videos cut at her own kitchen table. The evidence was scattered across her biography the whole time; it had just never been read as evidence.
The chart lines she quotes didn't create any of it – her footage already existed, her mother had already said the word talent. What the lines did was let her believe what was on record, and the weight fell. The Creative Process asks the question this post answers in the first person – what wants to be born through you? – and her closing sentence deserves to be kept: we arrive with the tools and the instructions included, and only forget where we put them. Finding them again costs nothing but honesty with yourself, and permission.
If her way of saying it is a chart and a football field – then that was her way. Yours will look different. That's the point.
Continuation of the story.
I'll start from a moment when I was little: my mom took me to a career-orientation test, something like that. And they said the profession of a journalist or an actress would suit me. Mom had a good laugh back then – right, mom?)))
And now, many years later, I meet Dima Egorov, who is starting his media football club. And just for fun I begin filming interviews with the guys from the team. Then Dima gives me an assignment: get to the final (there was no ticket) and get onto the FIELD!! and take interviews. And I got through) By then I'd made acquaintances who walked me in. And I took every interview Dima asked for. Without fear or shyness. Later I even edited a video for Dima and filmed videos for my own YouTube channel. By the way – if someone had told me earlier that I would even BE ABLE to do that. But it was SO interesting to me, I was on fire. All my life I have adored football, movement, emotions. And watching my videos, my mom said she hadn't expected SUCH talent from me) Later I also had a Telegram channel where I kept growing inside that team.
Time passed; I left the Broke Boys, then pregnancy and the move to Switzerland. And the moment began: who do I want to be? Even though for the next year I'll definitely be on maternity leave, the fears kept tossing these thoughts at me. At moments I would do something and see it as if from the outside. I knew how to shoot it, what to say, how to edit it. And there were a great many signs about spirituality. Which I told about in the post above.
And so I decided to dig into my natal chart, and I read:
“A blogger – yes, and not just plausibly: it's written into your nature in capital letters. You have a direct path from inner energy to voice – that is rare. You are literally made to live through experience and then tell about it so that people recognize themselves in it. Not a theorist – one who has walked it.”
And I read these lines and it feels as if a heavy weight fell away, as if I gave myself back to myself. And it was as if I were looking not at a screen but at my own self, as if I saw my soul and it merged with my body. Honestly, I don't know how else to describe these emotions. And I understood: here. This is mine.
Not for nothing did pictures keep drawing themselves in my mind these months: video, spirituality, people. And when, if not now, to bring it all to life.
The main thing I wanted to say with this post: don't muffle yourselves – try to hear yourself. We came into this world with the tools and the instructions already in hand; we simply forgot where we put them. And we can find them – but for that you have to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to.
Thank you for reading.
If her words reached somewhere mine don't – good. That's what this blog is for. Take what fits and leave the rest.
– Jan